Monday, 20th April 2009
Things that make me wanna scream
There comes a time when I’m sick of being diplomatic and hoping I won’t p*** off any of the regulars reading these blogs and I decide to write something totally random and possibly useless to any of you.
It just gives me a high to think that I’m the one being amused by this and possibly some of you out there share my fondness for ridiculous humour.
Let me start by introducing my list of ‘Things that make me wanna scream!’
Scenario 10: You’ve just been dumped by your boyfriend and decide to go for a walk along the promenade. As if from nowhere, couples appear everywhere. Sitting on benches they’re canoodling and whispering sweet nothings into each others ears, walking hand in hand they gaze at each other lovingly while you over hear a sweaty young woman pant at her new husband “ the house is looking great now all we need is a dog” as she briskly walks alongside him! An incredible urge to scream at all of them that your heart has been shattered into tiny pieces makes you feel like a psychotic loser.
Scenario 9: It’s morning, birds are chirping, sun is shining, “Great I’ll wash my car” you think to yourself. So you drive down to the car wash and give the chap €8 while your car gets tickled by the rainbow-coloured, mammoth-like contraption.
No sooner have you left the station in a gleaming car, than grey clouds fill the sky and it starts drizzling. It would be far less annoying if it actually poured…but no…it just drizzles…so that when you turn your wipers on you’ve got a huge smear all over the wind screen.
Scenario 8: Don’t you just hate it when you’re stuck in traffic and the person behind you starts to hoot his/her horn frantically, almost as though they expect you to say “sure mate I’ll get out of your way, let me just drive into this guy in front of me, Ram him into the on-going traffic, just so that you can come on through buddy!”
Scenario 7: On a random Saturday night in Paceville, when one indulges in alcoholic beverages, one gets peckish and strolls down to a particular chicken burger joint. (which I obviously cannot mention by name, because that would be blatant advertising!) Standing in a queue you wait to be served by the ‘attractive’ lady behind the counter, who’s ever so excited at the thought of serving burgers till 6am. Soon you feel someone pressing up against you and heavy breathing reeking of vodka on the back of your neck. The guy behind you bump and grinds almost as though you’re still in Havana and then orders “ghamilli wahda chicken, b’hafna basal u Mayonnaise” …. I would just LOVE to be his one night stand! NOT!
Scenario 6: Sometimes the guy above will ‘attempt’ to skip the queue. More often than not he is usually taken outside by the guy with the dodgy hair-do and snake-skin shoes, but THAT’s another story! Serious ‘skipping the queue’ syndrome is what old people at a bank suffer from! Who in the world thought up that ‘senior citizen card’??? You stand patiently in a queue whilst re running your daily schedule in your head. Suddenly a little white haired grandma whips out her card and you have to let her through with nothing more than a smile! Then wait as she brings out a bag of coins which she counts one by one while depositing them!
“erm 1 EurOP…..2 EurOP….le le sorry ha nerga nibda ta”
Scenario 5: If I had a GPS installed in my car it would go something like this in Sliema….
“Turn Left….erm no sorry there’s a crane here…..turn right ….After 100 hundred metres you will find out that there’s ANOTHER crane…so go back!...turn right …Old College Street…I regret to inform you that your car will suffer serious damage and might not even reach your destination!”
Scenario 4: I dislike getting up to use the toilet mid way through dinner at many a restaurant, because I know I’m going to be faced by a lifted toilet seat displaying drops of urine and pubic hair. So I think “hmmm either a woman fond of the 70s OR a giant gorilla OR a male specimen who has not yet grasped the concept of PUTTING THE TOILET SEAT DOWN was here! How the hell does pubic hair fall off anyway? Do they stand there plucking it out?? Seriously I hope you are not eating whilst reading this!
Scenario 3: Sometimes I think I have acquired a super human power. That of being invisible between two super market cash points. “kemm hadna gost il-Barbikju ux Shania” says one of the girls at the till, while she scans your food, “iva Kez,… tilghajn dak il-party?” Then ‘Kezia’ looks at you, visibly annoyed that she has to actually communicate with you and asks “ghandek card tal-points?”
Scenario 2: I hate it when people just shout out “YESSSS????” Weddings are a classic example of this. A waiter will come up to you with a tray of canapés and hiss “YESSSS” to which I feel like replying “Nooooo.”
Scenario 1: You wake up…It’s Monday morning!
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Comments
Prosit!
emma :)
You really made our day today! I am reading your blog from Great Ormond Street Hospital in London as we are having a short break! Our daughter is in ITU at the moment, which really makes us wanna scream but thanks to you the toilet thing really made us lough out loud! You made us forget about our present situation for a minute!
Thanks and God bless you.
Christine & Omar Varrazzo
""rainbow-coloured, mammoth-like contraception!."""
Was trying to picture the creature who may use it......and how.
Last time I wanted to scream was at my boss for telling me
" i cannot like you because I am married" ..... The 'like' here stands for just being civil and conducting himself as something other than a pig when it came to communicating with me.
Only been on the island a few months but the general level of 'acceptable' sexism is pretty freaking high and I think all lot more women would be screaming their heads off if they thought it would not cost them their job.
PS : I got fired a few weeks after that for being argumentative and difficult.
Not sure what I feel about that, whether its proud or insecure.
Sincerely inspired by Ira,
You go girl....
Inka
My uncle pees all over the seat. I had to clean it today before u no wot. You're making me think I should scream just for my aunty's sake. At 82 she still does ALL the housework while he does not even bothering aiming.
Hehe,
You're brilliant.................. Such a laugh, you got me stitched !!!!!!!!!
You'd make an amazing travel buddy !!
keep up the good work
Ipac
LUV YOUR MUSIC.. keep it up..
What happens to me when i wash the car, is that when its nice and shiny, I take pride in polishing it up and seeing it sparkle and getting the bumper nice and black ( yes I'm a gal and l love doing that) well................
I drive off happy in my CLEAN SPARKLY CAR and when I go up a narrow street ( nowhere to deviate to) I meet WHAT? WHAT? a huge, humangous cloud of stone dust .. someone is chasing the facade.... then i give up washing the car until i cant stand the site of it.
Oh but what to do?
Jane
When I read your blog I felt like I was thinking aloud.
Keep it up at least now I know that I am not the only one that is frustrated with certain situations
I was at the clinic the other day, tried to get there as early as possible, only to be faced with people showing various cards of different sizes and colours with excuses to jump the queue. I simply told them - guys, I have 50 men waiting for me at work and methinks that my case is slightly more urgent than yours. I'm paying for your benefits, remember.
I know it was crude, but it worked!
I can understand your frustrations, but by time, you'd learn to ignore and forget and perhaps 'tiehu ftit pacenzja wkoll....'
In the meantime, may I suggest you listen to Deep Purple's 'Sometimes I feel like screaming', a song which tackles life's frustrating moments. (CD: Purpendicular/1996)
Another quote I really like, also from a deep Purple song (Ian Gillan is my favourite lyricist), is:
"Strangest people have the power,
To lead me to my darkest hour" (Song: Bananas; CD: Bananas/2003)
Enjoy & keep it up with your excellent music.
Re Scenario 10; the advice I was given and always tend to repeat to others is the following... You can offer water to someone who is thirsty but if they simply refuse to drink and want to die of thirst, then its not your fault any more! And remember that it is always his loss not yours!!! Keep on shining !!